Families At Their Best Coaching & Consulting

A Perspective about being a "Family At Their Best"

2009-09-28T14:26:00.002-05:00

“The commitment to do our best is not about perfection.

Doing our best is about offering what we can give with the highest level of integrity and most sincere intention. It is about knowing in our hearts we have made every effort we were able to make in any given situation.

Sometimes the greatest effort we can make appears small. It matters not as much whether our endeavors live up to someone else’s standards but how confidently we can say we stayed true to our own.

When we do our best, it is inevitable: We Flourish."

Christine Mason Miller from her book Ordinary Sparkling Moments

Your Fuel

2009-09-03T08:42:00.000-05:00

What fills you up?

What gives you energy?

When do you notice that you are doing things with a skip in your step and a smile on your face?

As I reflect on these questions, I may answer with a list of things that fill me up like:
• Exercise
• Walking and talking with a close friend
• Wearing a new outfit
• Getting much needed rest
• Prayer or meditation
• Accomplishing something important
• Receiving a compliment

This list of what fills us up, our FUEL, will be different for each one of us and very worthwhile to think about especially if you are tired and want more energy or you are in the midst of one of life’s transitions.

There is one thing, that I propose, that is on all of our lists. It is a universal “fuel-er”. No, not money or winning the lottery! It is “living out our life’s intention”. Each one of us has a special gift or a unique calling. When we step into it and truly act on it in our life, it feels great. We feel alive. When we honor this gift and are in our life “being” this gift or acting on it, we feel full, content, joy-filled. We have energy.

Recently, I attended a training session on Screamfree Parenting. I spent 2 and ½ days with a wonderful group of women. We took time out to put together a list of the people we admired and we looked at the qualities that we admire in others.
We took the qualities that spoke to our heart the loudest and put these qualities on a note card. One of my values (or qualities I admired) was “to inspire”. The facilitator let us know that these qualities are what we value and what’s most important. These qualities are who you are. Then he challenged me and said, I think yours is leader. At first, I noticed myself shying away from this term. It sounded too strong. And then, I realized. He was right. I love being a leader and when I’m not, I feel suffocated! Mine is leadership and being a leader. When I’m not leading and I’m on “the sidelines” in my life about something, I have low energy. When I’m leading the way about something I am passionate about, I feel strong and full of energy.

Go ahead then … answer the questions! Take some quiet time to reflect and start noticing what fills you up. You might just name your life’s intention in the process. And when you do, go out and be it or do it!

The Wakeboarding Metaphor

2009-08-11T07:05:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that in order to get up and out of the water on skis or a wakeboard, the skier needs to let the boat pull them out of the water gently? If you try to stand up on your own or force yourself out of the water, you fall flat on your face. As I sat on the ski boat this weekend and watched my kids wakeboard, I noticed that in order to get up and out of the water on the board, you have to let the boat “pull you up” vs. try to stand up on your own or stand up too fast.

This “let the boat pull you out” vs. use your force to get out, became a metaphor for how to handle difficult situations in life. How is it for us when we let our higher power “pull us out” vs. try to control things ourselves?

Think of a time in your life or a situation you are struggling with right now. Are you trying to take control with force? Or, are you trusting in the love of God and letting God’s grace “pull you up” gently?

What happens if we practice praying for what we want things to look and feel like and then trust in a higher power to “pull us out” when the timing is right? This trust in God, the divine, or a higher power requires us to be fluid and flexible. We are not alone. We are not always in control. Sometimes we fight and try so hard, when perhaps we would benefit by slowing down, connecting with our higher power in our heart and our soul and letting ourselves be pulled or directed gently to the place we need to be. Try, as we often do, to take control of the timing, and the outcome, and notice what happens. Learn to trust, be patient and be guided … what happens then?

Daily Word, Aug. 11, 2009
GRACE
Thank You, God, for Your grace.
Dear God, Your grace transforms my consciousness. In moments of contemplation and prayer, I feel Your presence within, and I am healed and whole. I open to wisdom and Your light shows me the way. I claim abundance and feel Your love supporting me.
Your grace blesses me abundantly and completely.
The people and situations I hold in prayer are being uplifted and transformed by Your loving, healing presence.
Thank You, God, for Your grace, which gently leads me through any time of uncertainty. I see beyond current circumstances and know that all is well.
"And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father's only son, full of grace and truth."--John 1:14

July 2009 Family Vacation: The Badlands of South Dakota

2009-08-01T22:58:00.000-05:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Don't Just Be In The Moment - "Flip" Over It

2009-07-03T08:26:00.000-05:00

Are you looking for a way to have more fun with your kids, learn something new and experience your moments to the fullest this summer? Check out this Flip video we made while painting at Grandma's house.

To make this video, we bought a Flip video camcorder which you can purchase at Costco, Amazon.com or other local stores for around $118-178.00. This small device fits into your pocket and you can take it with you everywhere and be ready to capture any moment!

This video was taken of my children painting with their Grandma. We took the Flip video with us on our long car ride to New York this summer and had so much fun recording our moments. It's so easy to use. My 10 year old daughter loads the videos and creates clips and videos to share with our family. This video camcorder fits into the USB port of your computer and within minutes downloads a video clip which you can share or store.

To have even more fun, we are playing a game with our cousins who live in Anchorage, Alaska and it is called "Top That Fun". To play the game all you need to do is take video clips that are funny and show the fun you are having. We send these clips to our cousins via email so they can watch the videos and have a good chuckle. The kids are learning a lot about how to take a video, what makes a good video, how to store the video and how to share it in a creative way. We use Smilebox to help us create interesting videos.

Get into your moments this summer in a bigger way! Send us your fun family video moment and we'll post it on our Families At Their Best blog!

You're The Best Dad A Kid Could Ever Have

2009-06-20T09:14:00.000-05:00

Here's a great story that reminds us of the importance of appreciating DADs. Encourage your children to tell their dad what they appreciate about him the most!

From Bob Proctor's Insight Of the Day:

Here is your Friday story

The Best Dad

Years ago I heard a story of a dad named Paul who gave his young son a small chalkboard to practice writing on. One evening his son called out from the bedroom, "Dad, how do you spell best?"

Paul answered him. Moments later, the boy hollered, "How do you spell kid?"

Finally he asked, "How do you spell ever?"

When the boy showed him what he'd written on the chalkboard, Paul expected to see "I'm the best kid ever." Instead, the boy beamed as Paul read the message: "You're the best dad a kid can ever have."

Paul recalled that it was one of the best days of his life. In fact, he had to buy his son another chalkboard because he wanted to save this message forever and hang it on his wall. It's still there.

Feeling appreciated is enormously important to adults as well as children. So much so that we often don't think enough about what we'd most like to be appreciated for.

Being appreciated at work is a big deal. Who doesn't want approval and respect from one's boss and coworkers? Beyond the economic value of raises, promotions, and commendations, praise can be gratifying and motivating. That's why good employers look for opportunities to acknowledge and thank employees for their contributions.

Yet as meaningful as work recognition is, if you could choose between winning your child's "Best Mom/Dad A Kid Can Ever Have" award and being named "Best Employee," which would you choose?

The point is not to belittle the pursuit of approval in your business life but to remind you how much more meaningful it is to know you're important to and appreciated by the people who love and need you the most. Your most important job in life is to be worthy of that appreciation.

Being the "best ever" mom or dad, husband or wife, or friend - it doesn't get any better than that.

Michael Josephson
www.charactercounts.org

Sent to you as a courtesy of:

Bob Proctor
Watch a great video with Bob Proctor.
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Parents At Thier Best Get Energy By Inserting TABs

2009-06-17T06:29:00.000-05:00

Want to have more energy? Try inserting a few TABs into your day. TAB stands for Take A Break. You see these words ... take a break ... and what comes to mind for you?

For me, being a mother of four children age 8-13, at home with my children this summer, what comes to mind for me is – Yeah, right – a break, what’s that? I had a friend say … “ I never sit down during the day or just sit and relax on purpose. I’m always in motion doing something. Why can't I just sit?" Have you ever thought about how often you "just sit" during the day? Even if you are sitting or you aren't physically in motion, I bet your mind is thinking about what’s next and running through the never ending “to do” list. When do we let our mind just “sit” and do nothing?

Do you feel like that? Are you someone who is always doing something? Is your mind always thinking about the next “to do”? Here are a few questions to think about:

1. Why don’t we allow ourselves the opportunity to take a break (TAB)?

2. How important is it for us to TAB?

3. What does TAB look like? Feel like?

Yesterday was day 3 of the kids being home from school (but whose counting) and I already noticed a shift into low gear (thankfully). I “took a break” (TABed) yesterday at several times during the day. Of course, I didn’t think of it as a break until just now, as I reflect on this topic and write this blog. Here were my TABs:

• Meditating and writing in the early a.m.
• Watching old home movies on DVD in the afternoon
• Walking with a friend before dinner
• Writing website content while waiting for my son at batting practice.

So what defines a break? Even though I was doing something (i.e. writing, walking, watching) I defined that as a break, because it represented “me time” … time spent rejuvenating me. I wonder then, if you are the type of person who is constantly doing something …

Is doing something you enjoy, something that fills you up, considered a TAB?

It depends on what you want and what’s important to you! It helps me to see some of the times during the day that I am doing what I enjoy as a TAB. It may not be a sit-down-and-be-quiet type of break, but it is still a break from parenting, being a mother, housecleaning, and my normal day-to-day responsibilities.

What will your TABs be today? What is best for you? Will you notice when you TAB? Please email me at rayannecoy@mac.com and I'll post your ideas.

This article was inspired by:
Today's Daily Word - Wednesday, June 17, 2009
MY BREAK
In this very moment, I claim my health and wholeness.
Taking a break from the activities of the day, I am renewed with energy. In a quiet, reflective time, I am stress-free and prepared for God's healing power within to build up my stamina.
I sustain my health and energy by taking several breaks during the day from whatever is happening in the outer. Whether for a few minutes in the midst of planning or carrying out plans, or for a few weeks between semesters, job searches, or life-changing moments--I take time to focus on and discern what is best for me. Such times for regeneration support the health of every cell and function of my body.
During meditative prayer, concerns dissipate, answers come, and healing flows freely.
"Because you have asked ... for yourself understanding to discern what is right, I now do according to your word. Indeed I give you a wise and discerning mind."--1 Kings 3:11-12

Where Are You Applying The Brakes In Your Life?

2009-06-12T08:01:00.000-05:00

LET GO, LET GOD
“I move forward in a life of freedom, health, and prosperity.

I wouldn't get far driving a car while the emergency brake was on. Neither would I reach my goals or dreams if I didn't release the brakes on them.

I choose to move forward with my goals and dreams, releasing any belief in poverty or powerlessness that might be adversely affecting my thoughts, words, and actions.” (Daily Word, 6/12/09)

As I read this passage, I think about the start of summer and the kid’s being home from school. Yesterday was the last day of school for all four of my children and I must confess that I felt a bit uneasy, scared and tired as I dwelled on the thought that they would all be mine to entertain 24/7 for the next 10 weeks (70 days, but who is counting?)!

How do you feel when your kids first come home for the summer? Elated, relaxed, glad to be done with the responsibility of supervising homework, ready to start fresh? Take a moment to think about it. I’m sure we all have a mixture of feelings. I felt a bit like the “emergency brake” was being applied for me. All of a sudden, it felt like “my time” had stopped and “their time” was infinite.

Reading this passage reminded me of the power of our thoughts and the beauty of self-awareness: that I can step outside of my current thought and choose a different thought!

I can stop feeling like the emergency brake was applied and start the engine with a “let go to God” attitude. We all can set an intention and pray about what we want our summer to look like and feel like! See it as a fresh start with lots of laughter, fun and adventure. Mine will also have some involvement from the kids in doing house projects and cleaning. We will have more downtime than usual and I pray that we have the courage to turn off the TV and read. I pray for a summer that gives breathing and thinking time to all of us. This summer, I choose balance, joy and mindfulness of the precious moment.

What will I have to let go of and say “no” to:
• Doing it all by myself
• Doing summer without a sitter
• Having a clean house
• Too much structured activity
• Viewing blocking out time for me as selfish
• Using the TV as a babysitter

What will I have to say “yes” to:
• Scheduling blocks of time for me because I’m worth it
• Being unstructured about most of my time
• Seizing the moments of quality time with each child one-on-one
• Adventure
• Getting up early to exercise
• Remember that the time I have with my children is short

How about you? What’s your intention for the summer of 2009? What do you want your summer to look like and feel like? What will you pray about? What will you say YES TO and NO TO so you can have it?

“Rather than straining for results, I let God transform my understanding so that I move forward in a life of freedom, health, and prosperity. As I release and make room for my highest good, I am able to fully appreciate and experience life.” If you don’t know … spend time praying about it and look for the God Winks, signs from above that show up in your day-to-day experience.

"Build up, build up, prepare the way, remove every obstruction from my people's way." --Isaiah 57:14

Committed To Growing Families Who Live And Work At Their Personal Best!

2009-06-02T11:46:00.000-05:00

Are You:

• A busy parent of middle school age children or teens
• Someone who really wants to enjoy being a parent
• Someone who values education and cares about your children's success
• New in your role as a teen parent
• Tired of feeling fearful and doubtful about how to handle situations

Do you want to:

• Raise rock solid children
• Have fun and enjoy this time while also holding the boundaries and using positive discipline
• Learn from a network of like-minded parents
• Feel good about the decisions you make
• Inspire others and get inspired by others
• Adopt new perspectives and ways of doing things
• Maximize your joy and peace of mind as a parent

Then, you have come to the right place.

Families At Their Best is ...

An on-line community and professional coaching service that supports YOU so you can maximize your joy, realize your fulfillment, and live with more peace of mind as you parent your teens.

This site is dedicated to the sharing of stories, simple tools, techniques, frameworks, and perspectives that inspire and fuel all of us to be the best parents of middle school age children and teens that we can be.

We’ve heard the horror stories, we’ve read the books, and we’ve talked to our friends about how to parent, yet we still live with that uneasiness, fear and self-doubt. We want more … we want to feel confident and self-assured as a parent. Somehow we know what we’re supposed to do, yet we don’t do it, or we are inconsistent.

Enroll in Families At Their Best and you will have an opportunity to:

• Discover your vision
• Uncover your core values – what’s most important to you and your unique family
• Anchor to guiding principles to make choices and decisions that honor your values
• Apply leadership development practices, tools, frameworks and perspectives to parenting
• Understand each family member’s style
• Learn how to communicate more effectively
• Co-create agreements that work for your family
• Make and stick to commitments
• Hold each other accountable

As a parent, you have a very important role as the CEO of your family. Whether you are a single parent, divorced, widowed, working, or at-home, this site and our coaches are dedicated to partnering with you to:

Co-create what it means to live and work at your family’s personal best and have fun living it so that you can thrive as a parent instead of just survive.

Become a member today and start fueling each other with stories, tools, inspiration and support so we can all be our personal best!

Email Rayanne Coy at rayannecoy@mac.com to join our membership club, join a coaching group or schedule a sample coaching session today!

Be A Family At Your Best

2009-05-11T17:33:00.001-05:00

Are you a busy parent of tweens or teens, feeling as though your kid's are changing right in front of your eyes and you're not exactly sure how to handle them? Do you long for the "simple parenting school solution", quick tips for how to survive the teen years, techniques that actually work, or new perspectives about parenting? You know you love your family, you have strong family values and a desire to raise rock solid kids. You're well educated, an ex-professional stay-at-home-parent, or a working parent and you want to enjoy these years to the fullest and live with joy, fulfillment, balance and peace of mind instead of a lot of fear and self doubt.

You have searched for ideas and have dipped into reading various parenting books from time-to-time, but time is something you have little of and finding time to read about "how to parent" is one of your challenges. Parenting books lay on your nightstand collecting dust next to a neat one pager that a friend gave you which boils parenting down into a top 50 list of parenting shoulds. Even when you do read the books, it never seems to be that simple to implement the ideas. Besides, your family is unique and there are so many things to consider. What you really need is a customized approach that meets your needs, a sounding board and a parenting advocate or mentor.

I think we can all agree that there's never going to be a "parenting school solution" or just one way of "being" a successful parent. As Miley Syrus' song "The Climb" plays in my car (and round and round in my head) I realize that this song isn't just about an adolescent's journey of growth ... it's also about what it's like to be a parent! What happens when we start seeing this parenting thing as "a climb" instead of a destination?

So, if you're like the person I describe above, than I've got good news for you! Families At Their Best (www.FamiliesAtTheirBest.com) is a new organization that is in the beginning stages of forming. It's all about a commitment to inspire and grow best families! It's a place you can go to get ideas, inspiration, quick tips, support and networking about your most important job -- parenting! The definition of FamiliesAtTheirBest is sure to evolve as this organization takes hold and brings more and more members into the fold. Stay tuned and we will all learn from each other! We are families fueling other families to learn and grow ourselves to be families at our own personal best.

I hope you'll sign up for the ride! We need all the help we can get! We can have fun with this, be playful, challenge each other, figure it out and share it so that we all benefit from our learning and our mistakes. It's not about being a perfect family. It's about focusing on developing the skills and internal characteristics of a family such as being respectful of each other, having fun, asking for forgiveness, trusting each other, letting go, building solid relationships, agreeing to disagree, etc. So many possibilities!!! The mountain that we're climbing is about becoming our personal best as a family. It's unique to your family and you get to decide and discover what your best family looks like and feels like. Keep the faith! It will happen! You are on your way! Sign up by sending your email and name to rayannecoy@mac.com. This is just getting started so jump on board and let's fuel each other.

Setting An Intention To Be A Mentor

2009-05-06T05:45:00.000-05:00

Mentoring: are we doing it? I haven't thought about this concept since my days in business working for a large management consulting firm. The importance of having one and being one to others struck me as I read the following Daily Word passage:

Today's Daily Word - Wednesday, May 6, 2009

MENTOR

I am patient and generous as I encourage and nurture others.

I have been blessed with teachers, counselors, and coaches who influenced my progress in meaningful ways. They offered me wisdom and knowledge gained through experience and education. At times I may have been unsure of myself or my choices, but they bolstered my confidence by pointing out my strengths and abilities. They guided me, helping me to find my own way.

Now as I offer a helping hand to young people, I accept the role of mentor as a sacred responsibility. I am patient and generous as I encourage them to stretch beyond any perceived limitations to realize their own self-worth and strengths. I challenge them to learn and to grow. I hold a vision of them excelling in life, and I take joy in seeing them reach their success.

This passage made me think about all of the wonderful mentors I have had over time and how much their words of encouragement and advice mean to me. I am truly grateful to my mentors! Is mentoring happening in your life? Is it becoming a lost art? How does mentoring happen in your home or in your community? Do your children have mentors? What could it be like if we brought this concept back to our attention and focused on it?

I really appreciate the people who are mentoring and encouraging me in my life right now and boy do I feel like I need them! Are they official mentors? Have I been assigned to them? No. Gone are those days when I'd actually received an assigned mentor. Now, mentoring happens more organically. No one is in charge of a mentoring program. I need to take charge and seek out mentors! Just the other day I "friended" two professional women on Facebook so I could stay connected to what they were up to and I hope to also receive some mentoring.

It's not so easy with everyone out there being so darn busy. It's an amazing feat just to get someone to respond back with a phone call! What's even more interesting is the question --Who am I mentoring? Have I had this as an intention and a way that I can be of service to others? Not really, although I do mentor the teens in my life in a very casual way. I wonder what it could be like if we all set and intention to seek out mentors and be active mentors? I can see how a mentor would be very helpful to my teens especially when they start looking at me as though I couldn't possibly know anything.

An example of how one of my sons benefited recently from mentoring comes to mind. My 10 year old son was playing baseball and he ran into one of his football coaches. The coach was so kind to take the time to let my son know that he believed in his capability and really wanted to have him back on his tackle football team. Little did this coach know that my son has been agonizing over whether to play flag or tackle football this fall. His football coach really helped him to see that he has great skills and he would be a strong player this year since it will be his second year playing tackle and he will be the older one in his group. The story that my son told at the dinner table about this was priceless! Now our son feels confident about signing up for tackle and we support his decision.

What will it take for you and I to seek out new mentors and watch for opportunities to mentor others? How could lives improve?

When Life is Like An Overflowing Toilet ....

2009-05-05T13:36:00.000-05:00

How is life sometimes like an overflowing toilet? You know the feeling -- you've go too much going on. Life is so full that it feels overwhelming and you don't know where to start or what to focus on. You get a bit discouraged and want to hang it all up. Well, life was like this for me recently and I learned a great deal about how to be a "mom at my best" when the toilet called my life is overflowing.

It all started with that 5:30 a.m. wake up call to the first luscious cup of coffee. As I approached the coffee maker, I was met by a drip .... drip .... dripping sound and a splatter. As I looked up, I saw the culprit and had that instant sinking feeling in my stomach. Oh no, one of the kid's clogged the toilet. I ran up the stairs to evaluate the problem keeping my fingers crossed that I wouldn't run into water running all over the floor. Fortunately, I found just a sopping rug and a very full toilet. Clear water thank goodness! So, what's any "mom-at-your-best" to do but decide that the situation wasn't urgent and wait for her husband to wake up!

OK, well I would have jumped right in with the plunger, but I hadn't had my first cup of coffee and I didn't want to start off my day in a moment of panic or cleaning a bathroom. Excuses ... excuses .... I resumed my morning routine and put this situation on hold.

Time to wake up my husband and let him know about the situation with the overflowing toilet. His usual mode is to react quickly and fix the situation. Unfortunately for me, he just laid there and told me to scoop out the water with a cup and toss it in the sink until the water level in the toilet was low enough to plunge. Brilliant idea! I took his advice and proceeded to follow his instructions and the whole thing was remedied in no time with very little mess.

So, how does this seemingly inane story about an overflowing toilet have anything to do with life? It became a great metaphor for me as my day went on and I proceeded to feel overwhelmed and "filled to the brim" with tasks that I needed to accomplish. There's the laundry, the grocery shopping and meal planning, the bill paying and the scheduling, and the housecleaning. Of course, I didn't do any of these things. Instead, I took the dogs for a much needed walk and then proceeded to work on my business. Task by task (like the cup by cup of water), I rolled up my sleeves and began to do my work. It can be overwhelming at times and seem like it's going nowhere. Time to get out the plunger and shake it up a bit. Let out the clog, whatever that means for you. In my case, the clog has something to do with a limiting belief I must be holding.

One of the things that plunged my clog, the clog that impedes my progress as a coach, was a conversation I had with a coach who helped me to "empty my toilet a bit" and figure out what I need to next. He listened actively to me as I explained the nature of my overflowing life and helped me to sort out and name "the clog" as well as map out the next steps that I wanted to take on my business. As a partnered with him, I was able to outline next steps and feel like I was starting fresh -- the "flush" was a great feeling!

Perhaps we all benefit by hearing each other's stories like this one. It shows us that ... yes, somedays are more difficult than others and some times things just don't seem to be going our way. Be encouraged that if the "toilet" in your life is overflowing it helps to find a trusted and skilled mentor or coach to help you sift out the water and plunge the clog so you can move forward in purposeful and meaningful action. How do you handle times when your life is overwhelming? What's your "plunger"?

What To Do When You Are Bored, by Addison Coy

2009-05-02T11:16:00.000-05:00

I got bored so I decided to help others who may feel like me! I picked up a book that my grandma gave me called The Girls Book: How To Be The Best At Everything. I jotted down a list of the things that got me excited like "How to host the best sleepover" (I'm secretly trying to get my mom to let me have a sleepover. Think she will?). Here are some ideas:

Make a time capsule
Host the best sleepover
Customize your own t-shirt
Learn about how to deal with bullies
Learn about how to survive a horror movie
Make a friendship bracelet
Learn how to be a natural beauty
Learn how to make sense while talking nonsense
Learn how to win a staring contest
Turn water into lemonade
Annoy people in an elevator
Make a fake mess
Make an egghead
Show off your superhuman strength
Send a message in morse code
Make an icy milkshake
Learn how to finger knit

This is a great book for when you and a friend are bored! If you want to learn how to do some of these and many more then pick up the book called: The Girls Book: How To Be The Best At Everything. And as my mom says .... "being bored is the springboard to creating great things and great times! So being bored is actually a good thing if you do something with it!"

Are You Momalicious?

2009-04-20T10:59:00.000-05:00

Are you a mom who is "momalicious"? A mom who is full of energy, sees the extraordinary in the ordinary, is grounded or centered on what's important, inspired and connected to others who fill you up? These are just a few of the characteristics of a momalicious mom. Read on if this sounds like something you would like to be more of in your life.

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I'm being as a mom ... as you can tell from this blog site. I've had an "eye opening" experience as I watch my sister go through a difficult time in her marriage and her life. Her husband of 17 years is calling it quits and leaving her. She was a stay-at-home mom in charge of raising three great children. Now she works full-time, supports two teenagers who are away at high school and a fifth grader who lives at home. Her identity has been shattered and she grieves deeply for the relationship she thought she would have and the place she thought she would be in at this time in her life. Her life has changed dramatically … it’s like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle have been thrown up into the air and the puzzle lays on the table in disarray. She has stepped up to put the puzzle pieces together again … one by one … to complete a new puzzle ….

Supporting my sister in her time of pain has allowed me to see my life through a different lens and appreciate what I have. How I’ve taken for granted what I have that is good without even thinking that I’m taking it for granted. Oh, how the valley of despair can point out the top of the mountains in our life! How I now can see the extraordinary in my ordinary day. How I want to continue to see this….

How is it that our own individual puzzle; the one we have built is thrown up into the air at various times in our life? Perhaps your kids are in high school and you are realizing that they will leave home soon. Maybe you are one of those moms who has it all -- a great husband, a gorgeous family, a beautiful home, and stability --- yet, you feel a little dull and suffocated sometimes by the monotony of motherhood. I never pictured that one of my biggest accomplishments would be cooking dinner while driving my kids around endlessly. All that housewife/mother stuff can be downright boring and nap producing. Maybe too much of anything can be bad for you. My “too much” is too much housewife/mother/home-maintainer stuff.

Do you ever feel like you want more energy and aliveness in your life! Do you feel unexcited by the day-to-day errand running, laundry-doing, meal producing, kids activity organizing and chauffeuring that you do? I value being a mom and I value supporting my busy husband whose career is demanding, yet I don’t have to lose myself in the process of supporting my family. I notice how I nap or want to shop more on the days when I am faced with a pile of laundry, errand running and grocery shopping. I long to be that type of person who relishes in doing these tasks and loves to prepare and cook meals, but have realized that day will probably not come. My goal is to train my kids so I can work myself out of the housewife part of my job and into something that brings me more alive!

As my GPS system guided me home from my sister’s house last night – calling out directions one by one …. Turn left in 2 miles …. Stay on Rt. 290 for .5 miles … I felt comforted by her voice and her inner knowing and guidance. I smiled to myself thinking … I wish I had something like that in my life right now; someone guiding me in the right direction. Some days I feel like I do have that someone and it is usually on the days that I start my day with prayer and meditation. God, the Holy Spirit (or my guardian angel) is that person in my life and I’m learning to trust my inner voice and my inner knowing as I would trust my car’s GPS.

Could there be something more? Could there be a program, a community or something that helps give me guidance, support and encouragement as I head into new territory? What’s the new territory ahead of you? Mine is that I’m an ex-professional stay-at-home mom whose kids are entering their teen years. I’ll have 4 teens living under one roof! I want to live out these years with more joy, peace of mind, laughter, and a sense of accomplishment, contribution and purpose. I want to “crescendo” into my next “career” while they crescendo into being rock solid young adults.

I need your help on this journey … are you in? Become a follower on this blog and tell me your story. Go to www.twitter.com/RayanneCoy and sign up to be part of this exciting "momalicious" community designed with you in mind. Get excited about the big job you have as a mom and help others to get excited too!

Real Parents: Attracting Your Teen

2009-04-18T07:36:00.000-05:00

Think for a moment about your energy and the energy you exude as a parent. What does your energy look like? Are you tired, short tempered, frustrated or stressed out? Would you describe yourself as a joyful parent? Are you someone who is rested and full of energy, present and in the moment, even-tempered and calm? Who are you being most of the time and how does your energy attract or repel your teen?

To attract our teen we must realize that parenting is not about kids, it's about parents. One of the greatest things you can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself and your own well-being. We must commit to taking care of ourselves on a physical, intellectual, spiritual and emotional level so we are a parent who feels “fueled” and filled up.

We’re caught up in a “high stakes fast paced world” and we just can’t do enough for our children. We want them to be successful and we’ll do whatever it takes to help them. We drive them from one activity to the next, watch their games, sign them up for the next activity, help them stay organized and …... You know the drill. It’s full of activity. Busy, exhausting, joyful (if you can step out of the fear and self doubt and step into the moment). Most of all it is tiring. Notice how in this model we re focusing on our children first … taking responsibility for them instead of being responsible to them. We love our children so much and we give so much that we burn ourselves out. In this state of burnout, we get angry quicker, we feel resentment, we act with a level of intensity that repels our children. And it is hard to be a parent.

Solution – Put your oxygen mask on first and take care of yourself so you can better care for your children and attract your children with positive energy.

Here are 3 simple steps you can take:

1. Focus: Identify what’s most important to you and understand what you need and what “fills you up”.

2. Plan and commit to it: Schedule time in your calendar on purpose to get refueled. Plan for it and learn how to manage your time to get it.

3. Allow yourself to have it! Give yourself permission and free yourself from whatever it is that grips you or holds you back.

As a personal coach and mother of four children who are entering the preteen and teen years, I want to embrace these years with as much joy as possible. I also want to be realistic and need to be gentle with myself. Parenting won’t happen perfectly and sometimes it will be downright painful I suspect. The demands are more intellectual vs. physical. Emotions pop up out of nowhere. I am disagreed with often. They have opinions that differ from mine, they feel they are right, and their peers are the center of their universe. As parents, we know all of this, and yet when our children get there it feels awkward, frustrating and lonely.

I take comfort in knowing that I can choose who I am being and what I think. I can live as a “Real Parent” and get comfortable sharing my vulnerable side. I can let go of my overblown expectations, be gentle with myself, say no, and accept each one of the parents I meet with compassion. It’s about the choices we make. There’s no right or wrong answer when you’re working in the best interest of your children. Start today! Celebrate your unique, real parenting style and fuel yourself to be the best parent you can be. It’s a choice and an attitude we must embrace.

Who Are You Being As A Parent? Joyful? Screamfree? It’s A Choice And An Attitude!

2009-04-11T07:45:00.000-05:00

Family coach and psychologist Hal Runkle in his book entitled "Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool”, states a perspective about parenting that resonates with me.

“Parenting is not about kids, it's about parents -- one of the greatest things you can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself.”

Do you find yourself caught up in your thoughts about how to parent your children? Are you wanting to know more about the tools, techniques and approaches you can use to be more successful as a parent? We all fine ourselves “caught up” in the activity of “doing” -- driving children from one activity to the next, watching their games, signing them up for the next activity, helping them stay organized. You know the drill. It’s full of activity. Busy, joyful, fun, frustrating and exhausting. We’re caught up in a “high stakes fast paced world” and we just can’t do enough for our children. We just can’t provide them with enough opportunity to do things that will help them to succeed.

I challenge you to stop and “be still” for a moment to consider the question -- Who am I being as a parent? Ever taken the time to step outside of yourself to notice who you are being? What happens when we step away from the “doing” and consider who we are “being” as a parent? How do we behave and what does our energy look like? Are we connected, multitasking, distracted, playful, loving, or calm?

One of Runkle’s key messages to parents is that we need to learn how to calm ourselves down. We need to become aware of our emotions -- what we feel and what we fear, so we can calm our selves and better handle situations that arise with our children.

We cannot change our children, nor can we fix them. The only person we can change is ourself – or perception, how we see things, our attitude, and our behavior. We can choose who we will be as we raise our child and our teen. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to learn to focus on ourself and become more aware.

Take time to think about who you are being as a parent

Being the curious type of person who is starting to feel a bit out of control now that my kids are in their “tween” years, I attended a class at Wilowcreek called “Value Packed Parenting”. I highly recommend taking the time out of your busy schedule for personal development and reflection on the topic of parenting. It was amazing how much better I felt just being in this class and taking the time to think about who I want to be as a parent. This class also gave me an “ah ha” moment as I realized that our children are only under our care for such a short time. And, as they are with us for this brief time, I can choose how to be as a parent as much as I choose what to do. I can decide on purpose what I want this parenting experience to look land feel like, identify what’s important to me and to my spouse, and stay grounded to honor these values as much as possible as we go through the inevitable ebb and flow of the teen years.

What if my intention was to be a joyful parent and my goal was to experience as much joy, fun, laughter, and peace of mind as possible. I must admit that before I took this class, I might have been more of a “fear junkie” parent – someone who was hooked on feeling the fear and self doubt that comes with the territory of parenting.

Put Your Oxygen Mask On First

As I look back on parenting, I can see how the first 5 years with our children have been more of a physical challenge and one of the lessons that my husband and I continue to learn is about how important it is to take care of ourselves. We find ourselves wrapped up in our children we forget to care for ourselves as individuals and us as a couple. Learning to put our needs first is not a selfish act, but essential to the well being of your family. As our children approach the teen years, we still need to take care of ourselves. We have figured out that it is up to each one of us, to figure out what we need (rest, exercise, time away, time with friends, etc.) and go after it and claim it --- so that we will feel rejuvenated as we step back into “the ring”. It is important for us to discover what “fills us up” and plug ourselves into these first.

Embrace Your Authentic Parenting Style

We realize that parenting is more of a maze that we wonder through, a process, a journey or a large jigsaw puzzle and there is no one method or clear cut answer. That our success as parents, is more about coming together to discuss what we need, what our child is experiencing, being at choice about our unique parenting style and the tools or techniques we use. We learn how to honor what we both value and accept our individual differences as we use these to our advantage. Together we are strategic partners.

Align As A Couple

Coming into alignment about what we want and what we value as parents sometimes feels like coughing a big hairball. Have you ever watched a cat cough up a hairball? It’s ugly, but it has to come out. I know that I need to have a discussion with my spouse about who we are being as parents and how we will align together. Sometimes this conversation is difficult to have. We take our role seriously and sometimes personally. It’s painful to be in this discussion or conversation, but feels good once we’ve gotten the darn thing out! How important it is for the two of us to come together and be honest with each other about what we want, what we see, and what we think is important. We then come to agreement on how to handle the situation at hand – sometimes deciding on purpose to “play around” with some ways of being. It is this coming together with each other and alignment that helps us become better parents. We must make it a priority to have the discussion even though we know it can be difficult. Being in alignment with what we value and how we will approach situations is key!

We have a choice about who we will be as we raise our children and our teens. It’s also an attitude that we can embrace. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to learn to focus on our own well being. Who will you be as a parent?