Who Are You Being As A Parent? Joyful? Screamfree? It’s A Choice And An Attitude!

Family coach and psychologist Hal Runkle in his book entitled "Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool”, states a perspective about parenting that resonates with me.

“Parenting is not about kids, it's about parents -- one of the greatest things you can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself.”

Do you find yourself caught up in your thoughts about how to parent your children? Are you wanting to know more about the tools, techniques and approaches you can use to be more successful as a parent? We all fine ourselves “caught up” in the activity of “doing” -- driving children from one activity to the next, watching their games, signing them up for the next activity, helping them stay organized. You know the drill. It’s full of activity. Busy, joyful, fun, frustrating and exhausting. We’re caught up in a “high stakes fast paced world” and we just can’t do enough for our children. We just can’t provide them with enough opportunity to do things that will help them to succeed.

I challenge you to stop and “be still” for a moment to consider the question -- Who am I being as a parent? Ever taken the time to step outside of yourself to notice who you are being? What happens when we step away from the “doing” and consider who we are “being” as a parent? How do we behave and what does our energy look like? Are we connected, multitasking, distracted, playful, loving, or calm?

One of Runkle’s key messages to parents is that we need to learn how to calm ourselves down. We need to become aware of our emotions -- what we feel and what we fear, so we can calm our selves and better handle situations that arise with our children.

We cannot change our children, nor can we fix them. The only person we can change is ourself – or perception, how we see things, our attitude, and our behavior. We can choose who we will be as we raise our child and our teen. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to learn to focus on ourself and become more aware.

Take time to think about who you are being as a parent

Being the curious type of person who is starting to feel a bit out of control now that my kids are in their “tween” years, I attended a class at Wilowcreek called “Value Packed Parenting”. I highly recommend taking the time out of your busy schedule for personal development and reflection on the topic of parenting. It was amazing how much better I felt just being in this class and taking the time to think about who I want to be as a parent. This class also gave me an “ah ha” moment as I realized that our children are only under our care for such a short time. And, as they are with us for this brief time, I can choose how to be as a parent as much as I choose what to do. I can decide on purpose what I want this parenting experience to look land feel like, identify what’s important to me and to my spouse, and stay grounded to honor these values as much as possible as we go through the inevitable ebb and flow of the teen years.

What if my intention was to be a joyful parent and my goal was to experience as much joy, fun, laughter, and peace of mind as possible. I must admit that before I took this class, I might have been more of a “fear junkie” parent – someone who was hooked on feeling the fear and self doubt that comes with the territory of parenting.

Put Your Oxygen Mask On First

As I look back on parenting, I can see how the first 5 years with our children have been more of a physical challenge and one of the lessons that my husband and I continue to learn is about how important it is to take care of ourselves. We find ourselves wrapped up in our children we forget to care for ourselves as individuals and us as a couple. Learning to put our needs first is not a selfish act, but essential to the well being of your family. As our children approach the teen years, we still need to take care of ourselves. We have figured out that it is up to each one of us, to figure out what we need (rest, exercise, time away, time with friends, etc.) and go after it and claim it --- so that we will feel rejuvenated as we step back into “the ring”. It is important for us to discover what “fills us up” and plug ourselves into these first.

Embrace Your Authentic Parenting Style

We realize that parenting is more of a maze that we wonder through, a process, a journey or a large jigsaw puzzle and there is no one method or clear cut answer. That our success as parents, is more about coming together to discuss what we need, what our child is experiencing, being at choice about our unique parenting style and the tools or techniques we use. We learn how to honor what we both value and accept our individual differences as we use these to our advantage. Together we are strategic partners.

Align As A Couple 

Coming into alignment about what we want and what we value as parents sometimes feels like coughing a big hairball. Have you ever watched a cat cough up a hairball? It’s ugly, but it has to come out. I know that I need to have a discussion with my spouse about who we are being as parents and how we will align together. Sometimes this conversation is difficult to have. We take our role seriously and sometimes personally. It’s painful to be in this discussion or conversation, but feels good once we’ve gotten the darn thing out! How important it is for the two of us to come together and be honest with each other about what we want, what we see, and what we think is important. We then come to agreement on how to handle the situation at hand – sometimes deciding on purpose to “play around” with some ways of being. It is this coming together with each other and alignment that helps us become better parents. We must make it a priority to have the discussion even though we know it can be difficult. Being in alignment with what we value and how we will approach situations is key!

We have a choice about who we will be as we raise our children and our teens. It’s also an attitude that we can embrace. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is to learn to focus on our own well being. Who will you be as a parent?